By David Quantick and Daniel Maier

And now with the time approaching 5pm,

It's time for the mid-life crisis forecast...

Forties; restless: three or four.

Marriage: stale; becoming suffocating.

Sportscar, jeans and t-shirt; westerly, five.

Waitress; blonde; 19 or 20.

Converse all stars; haircut; earring; children;

becoming embarrassed.

Tail between legs; atmosphere frosty;

Spare room: five or six.

By Brian Perkins

...And now time for the shipping forecast and reports from coastal stations.

Here is the general synopsis at 0700 GMT.

Cow in sea area Shannon, moving slowly eastwards and filling. Sorry, that should be Low in sea area Shannon.

And now the area reports:

Viking, North Utsirra, South Utsirra, East Utsirra, West Utsirra, South West Utsirra and North North East Utsirra: wind south west, rain at times, good.

Forties, fifties, sixties, Tyne, Dogger, German Bight, French Kiss and Swiss Roll: westerly, becoming cyclonic, good.

Humber, Thames, Bedford, Leyland-DAF, Dover Sole, Hake, Halibut and Monkfish: regular outbreaks of wind, rain at times, good.

Wight, Portland, Plymouth, Ginger Rogers and Finistere: light flatulence, some rain, very good.

Lundy, Fundy, Sundy and Mundy: wind south west, becoming cyclonic, bloody marvellous.

Rockall: sod all wind, heavy showers, absolutely incredible.

Malin, Hebrides, Bailey, Fair Isle, Cardigan, Pullover and South East Iceland: wind south east, rain at times, slightly disappointing.

And now the reports for coastal stations:

Tiree: wind North west, 7 miles, one thousand and four, rising slowly.

Butt of Lewis: North, 5 miles, One thousand and six, falling.

Wolverhampton: North West, As far as the ring road, Nine nine eight, rising slowly.

Norway: nil points.