A Primer for Beginners

Most blues begin with "Woke up this morning."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line, such as "I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town."

After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 'bout 500 pounds."

However, the blues are not about limitless choices.

Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the blues. Only adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

The following colours do not belong in the blues: violet, beige, mauve, taupe, peach.

You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall; the lighting is all wrong.

Good places for the Blues:

  • the highway
  • the jail
  • an empty bed

Bad places for the Blues:

  • Tesco
  • Gallery openings
  • weekends in the Hamptons

No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

  • you're blind
  • you shot a man in Memphis
  • you can't be satisfied

No, if:

  • you have all your teeth
  • you were once blind but now can see
  • the man in Memphis lived.
  • you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Blues is not a matter of colour; it's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

  • wine
  • whiskey or bourbon
  • muddy water
  • black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

  • mixed drinks
  • kosher wine
  • Snapple
  • sparkling water

If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:

  • Sadie
  • Big Mama
  • Bessie

Some Blues names for men:

  • Joe
  • Willie
  • Little Willie
  • Big Willie

Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

Make your own Blues name (starter kit):

a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

You own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it.