The Dangers of Bread

1. More than 98 percent of convicted criminals are bread eaters.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardised tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked at home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average British eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees; that kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1. No sale of bread to minors.

2. No advertising of bread within 500 m of a school.

3. A 300 percent tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colours (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5. A 1 million fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.