The Anti-Shoddy-Goods Committee, Ronnie Barker monologue

Good evening.

My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organisation called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee.

Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.

Now let’s take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy?

Don’t get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if you’re lucky, we’ll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.

And the same applies to buying a house.

We’re the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby that’s as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy. Or a baby in a nappy. Or a cosi in Bengazi.

Now, a lot of complaints we receive, of course,. are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that he’d taken his wife out to dinner in the West End.

And he’d ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney

And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie.

The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky

Brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didn’t have a jelly.

Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari

In a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.

And the chili wasn’t beefy and the turkey was all tacky

And plate of ministrone tasted more like cockaleekie.

And his tummy felt quite rummy. For the café was so sleazy,

He contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy.

When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy,

He couldn’t dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.

He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty

And he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty.

So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee

And we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi . . . er, shocky.

So, if you’ve bought a whiskey and it’s made you rather frisky,

Or are just a little cookie that’s looking for some nookie,

Or if you’re feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey

Or if you’re feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkie’s feeling perky

Or if Perky’s feeling rocky and Rocky’s feeling kinky,

Then you’ll all be very lucky if you don’t end up in Chucky.

You can do the Hokey Cokey, it’s jolly hockey sticky

If the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo!

If the goods are shoddy, there’s no good to anybody

And the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!

And if you think that’ll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy!

Nightie nightie!!!