Spiritual Guide to Gracious Living, by Glenn Carver
Culinary Department
"Hath he not sent me to the men that sit upon the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you?"-- Isaiah 36:12; also in II Kings 18:27.
The Lord commanded: "And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight."-- Ezekiel 4:12.
"And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat."-- Levitcus 26:29.
"And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons, and of thy daughters which the LORD thy god hath given thee..."-- Deuteronomy 28:53.
"So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son."-- 2 Kings 6:29.
Justice
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets; then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her."-- Deuteronomy 25:11-12.
"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD"-- Deuteronomy 23:1.
"...the hand of the LORD was against the city with a very great destruction; and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods (piles) in their secret parts."-- 1 Samuel 5:9.
The lord was appeased, however, after the men had made golden images of their emerods (piles).-- 1 Samuel 6:4.
Hygiene
The lord promised: "Therefore, behold, I will bring evil upon the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam him that pisseth against the wall..."-- 1 Kings 14:10. (This unsanitary practice caused some serious erosion of the mud walls.)
Slapstick Comedy
The Lord threatened his children: "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces."-- Malachi 2:3.
Sport
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones."-- Psalms 137:9.
"And he (David) brought out the people that were in it and cut them with saws, and with harrows of iron, and with axes. Even so dealt David with all the cities of the children of Ammon."-- 1 Chronicles 20:3.
"And he (David) brought forth the people that were therein, and put them under saws and under harrows of iron, and under axes of iron, and made them pass through the brick-kiln."-- 2 Samuel 12:31.
Self-Improvement
"... (become) eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven's sake."-- Matthew 19:12. (Origen, Paul and other early Christians faithfully carried out this divine injunction.)
"Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee: cut them off, and cast them from thee."-- Matthew 18:8.
Burlesque
God said to Moses: "And I will take away mine hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face shall not be seen."-- Exodus 33:23.
Love and Marriage
"Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses."-- Ezekiel 23:19-20.
"...so the man took his concubine, and brought her forth unto them; and that they knew her, and abused her all the night until the morning..." (She died)-- Judges 19:25.
King Saul asked 100 foreskins in return for his daughter in marriage. David zealously pared off 200 Philistine prepuces to win his bride.-- I Samuel 19:25-27.
"And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto they brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother. And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother."-- Genesis 38:8-9.
Bedtime Stories
The men of Sodom wanted to bugger two angels abiding with Lot. Lot said, "Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known a man; let me, I pray you, bring them unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes."-- Genesis 19:8.
But the Sodomites preferred male angels. The Lot family escaped; Mrs. Lot looked back, became a pillar of salt; father Lot and daughters fled to a cave, at which time the elder daughter proposed: "Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father."-- Genesis 19:32.
"Thus were both daughters of Lot with child by their father."-- Genesis 19:36.
Moses told his soldiers: "Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves."-- Numbers 31:17-18.
Fulfilled Promises
Christ demanded: "But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me."-- Luke 19:27.
Christ announced: "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword."-- Matthew 10:34.
"Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live."-- Exodus 22:18. Thanks to the vigilance of good Christians, witches were killed in great numbers before the year 1712.