Time-honoured truths
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation.
A penny saved is worthless.
A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter is not a nice person.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Given a 50-50 chance, you will be wrong 90% of the time.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
The wretchedness of a film is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
If you think there is good in everybody, then you haven't met everybody.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends, you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.