She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered. James Matthew Barrie

A face unclouded by thought. Lillian Hellman on Norma Shearer

His ignorance is encyclopaedic. Abba Eban

She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin. Will Rogers

My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I shall be sober, and you will still be ugly. Churchill, when berated for being drunk by MP Bessie Braddock

[When Randolph Churchill went into hospital to have a lung removed and the trouble was found to be non-malignant]: ‘A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.’ The Letters of Evelyn Waugh, 1964

William Blake was a nutjob whose opinions, in a civilized society, would be of no interest to anybody apart from his parole officer. Mark Forsyth, The elements of eloquence

The last bit of methane left in the intestine of the dead cow that is post-modernism. Robert Hughes on Jeff Koon

Yes it was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs. Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing. Samuel Butler

One watches David Frost with the same mixture of fascination and disgust that one looks at one's turds floating in a toilet. Patrick Murray

My boss has a brain like Einstein's - dead since 1955. Gene Perret

Such an active lass. So outdoorsy. She loves nature in spite of what it did to her. Bette Middler on Princess Anne

With friends like you, who needs enemas? Matthew Broderick

He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight. John Randolph commenting on Edward Livingston

I do not think I had ever seen a nastier-looking man. Under the black hat, when I had first seen them, the eyes had been those of an unsuccessful rapist. Ernest Hemingway

Monsieur Zola is determined to show that if he has not genius he can at least be dull. Oscar Wilde

The word 'honour' in the mouth of Mr Webster is like the word "love" in the mouth of a whore. Ralph Waldo Emerson on Daniel Webster

Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death. Saki, The Feast of Nemesis

Thank you, and now would you pull the chain. Thomas Beecham to an incompetent tuba player

As wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy. Dwight MacDonald on Doris Day

He has delusions of adequacy. Walter Kerr

Behrman - forgotten but not gone. George S. Kaufman

Filthy Story-Teller, Despot, Liar, Thief, Braggart, Buffoon, Usurper, Monster, Ignoramus Abe, Old Scoundrel, Perjurer, Robber, Swindler, Tyrant, Field-Butcher, Land-Pirate. Harper's Weekly on Abraham Lincoln

Edward Gladstone: I predict, sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease. Benjamin Disraeli: That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.

The best description of Margaret Thatcher I ever heard is that she's just the sort of woman who wouldn't give you your ball back. Mike Harding