Woke: a guide to social justice, by Titania McGrath
Before I was even out of the crib I was self-harming with my nappy pin. By the age of four, I was suffering from both anorexia and chronic overeating. When these two conditions occur simultaneously it can be difficult to spot, because the victim ends up eating a regular amount of food on a consistent basis.
Take every opportunity to resist the plague of cultural appropriation. Racial boundaries must be strictly policed. Unlike gender, which is totally fluid.
If you don’t want to be censored, don’t say the wrong things. It really is that simple.
Cultural appropriation is the principal signifier of white privilege. ‘All white people,’ states Guardian columnist Lola Okolosie, are implicated ‘in white supremacy’. In other words, literally every white person you have ever met is a racist. It stands to reason.
We all know how romantic entanglements with males can go. One minute he’s inviting you into his home for an innocent cup of coffee, the next you’re at the bottom of a well in his basement applying copious quantities of lotion.
Over the past few years I have become a formidable presence on the live slam-poetry scene. For those of you who are unfamiliar with slam, it’s like regular poetry but with extra pauses. And there’s usually a lactose-free buffet at the end.
I voted for Jeremy Corbyn reluctantly, because as an intersectionalist I would have preferred a black lesbian in the role. But there’s always the possibility that Corbyn might transition at a later date, or that Diane Abbott might assume the Labour Party leadership and develop a taste for flange.
I had been breastfed for the first six months of my life. Did my mother not realise that Iwas a vegan? Did she even care? Either way, this was abuse.
More recently, Labour MP Dawn Butler took umbrage at a new brand of ‘jerk rice’ that had been marketed by television chef Jamie Oliver. ‘Your jerk rice is not ok,’ Butler tweeted. ‘This appropriation from Jamaica needs to stop.’ For me, angry tweets addressed to celebrity chefs are what being a Member of Parliament is all about.
By the time this book is published, I am confident that there will have been a second referendum. After all, only 1,269,501 more people voted to Leave than to Remain. No serious mathematician would consider that any kind of ‘majority’.
I do not hate men. I pity them. They are lesser creatures, anencephalous dicks with dicks who have been taught from birth that they are the commanders of the universe. It’s a kind of culturally enforced mass delusion. If you train a dog to lick a plate, that doesn’t make it a washing machine.
I use the term ‘POC’ because it is a convenient way to group all non-whites together without having to go to the trouble of identifying their differences. Needless to say, this is particularly helpful when it comes to oriental countries like Japan, China and Siam, whose citizens are pretty much indistinguishable.
Let us not forget that the history books were written by straight white men, which explains why history as an academic subject is so flagrantly revisionist. How many people, for instance, know or even care that Agatha Christie was a Bangladeshi transwoman?
Boys are taught to lust after women early in life, mostly through video games and demeaning images in advertising, such as the scantily clad women on the Protein World posters, or that slut rabbit who used to sell Cadbury’s Caramel.
Social media also leaves an electronic trail, which enables activists like myself to gather evidence to discredit our opponents. For instance, it was recently discovered that James Gunn, director of the Guardians of the Galaxy film series, had tweeted some jokes about paedophilia many years ago. In my humble opinion, joking about paedophilia is even worse than actual paedophilia. Don’t get me wrong; an act of physical molestation is obviously abhorrent, but at least it can’t be retweeted.
There’s a simple formula. If it entertains, it’s entertainment. If it offends, it’s hate speech. It’s up to the woke elite to supervise the boundaries. Join us.
In any case, if it is true that men are superior at sports, why is it that transgender athletes tend to win more medals after they transition to female? Let’s be very clear about this. Any form of segregation of the sexes, in sports, in schools, in toilet facilities – anywhere at all – is a reprehensible form of gender apartheid. Except when it comes to mosques, in which case it’s empowering.
As Huffington Post reporter Michael Hobbes has argued in his article ‘Everything You Know About Obesity Is Wrong’, it is the stigma imposed upon the obese by doctors and the media that causes the most damage, rather than the fact that they can’t brush their own teeth without wheezing.
As a millennial icon on the forefront of online activism, I am uniquely placed to guide you through the often bewildering array of concepts that constitute contemporary ‘wokeness’. To put it bluntly, I am a much better person than you.
The word ‘woman’ comes from the Old English for ‘female human’, whereas ‘man’ simply means ‘human’. Linguistically speaking, this implies that women are deviants from the norm. In order to rectify this, I sometimes refer to men as ‘unwomen’, and boys as ‘ungirls’. I likewise often refer to straight people as ‘ungays’, so that they too can understand what it feels like to be othered.
Men are trained from birth to disregard the desires of women. Come to think of it, the process is initiated long before that. All males begin their lives within the bodies of their mothers. They are literally inside a woman without her verbal consent. I cannot put this explicitly enough. The very first thing a male does in his life is to rape his own mother.
Recently, police in the UK have been petitioning the general public to ‘report non-crime hate incidents’, which would incorporate ‘offensive or insulting comments, online, in person or in writing’. In this new woke era, our law enforcement agencies are not content to police crime, but also non-crime. This is a huge relief, because for a long while now too many citizens have been not breaking the law and getting away with it.