If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled. P.G. Woodhouse

Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. Brendan Francis Behan

A fly, Sir, may sting a stately horse and make him wince; but one is but an insect, and the other is still a horse. Samuel Johnson

An inferiority complex would be a blessing if only the right people had it. Alan Reed

I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim. Frida Kahlo

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.  Anton Chekhov

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. Bill Vaughan

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like: What I'm going to be if I grow up. Lenny Bruce

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose. Garrison Keillor 

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner

Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has travelled is the worst. Kin Hubbard

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so. Gore Vidal

I hear voices - and they don't like you. M Engel

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you. Patrick Murray

My definition of utter waste is a coachload of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats. Lamar Hunt

Having smoking and non-smoking sections in the same room is like having urinating and non-urinating sections in a swimming pool. Ross Parker

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. Benjamin Franklin

Passwords are like underwear. You shouldn’t leave them out where people can see them. You should change them regularly. And you shouldn’t loan them out to strangers.

Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, in a few short weeks, it will be spring. The snows of winter will flee away, the ice will vanish, and the annual miracle of the years will awaken and come to pass, but you won't be there. The rivulet will run its course to the sea, the timid desert flowers will put forth their tender shoots, the glorious valleys of this imperial domain will blossom as the rose. Still, you won't be there to see. From every treetop some wild woods songster will carol his mating song, butterflies will sport in the sunshine, the busy bee will hum happy as it pursues its accustomed vocation. The gentle breeze will tease the tassels of the wild grasses, and all nature, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, will be glad, but you. You won't be there to enjoy it because I command the sheriff, or some officers of the country, to lead you out to some remote spot, swing you by the neck from a knotting bough of a sturdy oak, and let you hang until you are dead. And then, Jose Manuel Miguel Xavier Gonzales, I further command that such officer or officers retire quickly from your dangling corpse, that vultures may descend from the heavens upon your filthy body until nothing shall remain but the bare bleached bones of a cold-blooded, copper-colored, blood-thirsty, throat-cutting, chili-eating, sheep-herding, murdering son-of-a-bitch. Judge Roy Bean, 1881, District Court, Taos, New Mexico Territory sessions